17/3/11

Well, it has been an interesting few days.
Once again thank you all for your support. It is muchly appreciated in these hard times and it will be much appreciated even when things get easier. Means a lot.

So, I went back to see Mary yesterday and to have a chat with the equality and diversity manager within the college. It's all set up now for my details to be changed. She is going to inform my tutors for me which saves me the job of having to sit them down and witness their reactions! Once that was sorted I ended up breaking down again over the strong powerful thoughts that are going through my head at the moment. Really want them to go away, dark and depression thoughts aren't going to help me get through it all.

Decided to break the ice with my mum today. After all still not having 1 word said was taking the piss a little bit. With me being quiet and rather down the past few days, my mum has been convinced that someone has upset me. Kept telling her they hadn't but she didn't seem to believe me. Told her I don't let anyone upset me and she just threw it in my face about being heartbroken over my ex by saying 'oh yeah says you who's been moping around since november with a brokenheart' which I thought was quite harsh. So decided to txt her today and said - Noones upset me yknow mum. Just everything getting at me. We act like nothings going on which yeah is obviously better than arguing all the time. Just I don't know whats going through your head because you don't talk. I wanted you be a part of the name thing but you aint said anything about anything at all. Kinda feel alone thats all, just wish we could have a civil conversation about it xxx
Her reply was - Finding it very hard, was awful when another name was mentioned at that meeting, its surreal. Can't cope and by ignoring it I'm hoping it goes away! Start my counselling on Saturday. Love you and know we got talk but can't face it, just want everything to be normal xxx
Which clearly upset me and even reading it back again has choked me up :/
I said in reply - It will be normal though mum I don't feel normal now that why I got to go through with it so that I can get on with my life. I know it's easier to pretend it aint happening.... But it is. Hopefully counselling will start to make it easier for you. It's like I'm waiting for your permission but I know I'm not going to get it but I am scared to go ahead because I'm scared of losing you and hurting you more than I have. I love you too xxx
Which got no reply. So I txt her 6 hours after (after seeing her very briefly when I popped back home after work for my wallet) I sent - Listen mum been thinking about it and I do really want you to be a part of it. Even if you don't want to be. I know you don't want to pick or even think about it but I want you to pick either Zakery or Zachery. If you don't want to then obviously I'll have to because need to get things changed asap for university etc asap. I know it's hard and I'm sorry once again xxx
Which managed to get a - Can't talk about your name it's surreal still, soz x

Which has obviously upset me and frustrated me. I'm trying to give and take a little bit. But I don't feel as if she's giving at all. I know it's hard and surreal but seriously. It's all holding me back so much. I feel in my mind that I'm going down the route of my transition now. Infact I'm long down that road in my mind. But when I look at how I actually live my 'real' life. Nothing has changed. Nothing.
I'm really in two minds over picking how to spell my name. Just wish she could say which. Even though she doesn't care lol. Might get my brother to pick. He'd probably be the most likely to actually give me an answer!

Thinking of getting away for a few days over easter holidays. Break up from college on the 7th April up until 26th April. So thinking of spending a few days in my grandads caravan. By the sea and pretty relaxing. Just some time away from here. Either that or just be monged at my xbox for the whole time.

S'all good.