Half way through the first week back at college. Gone really fast. Had an alright day today. Had a psychology lecture and went the gym before that. My psychology teacher is the only teacher I have who knows about my transition. It came out as I broke down just before sitting an exam on gender and I just couldn't face having to do anything on gender that day. Obviously had to tell her the reason and she was really understanding about it. Finally handed in the rest of my assignments on that topic aswell :). After each lesson she tends to ask me a few brief questions about how things are going etc which I think is really nice of her. Today she apologised for calling me by my birth name several times - I hadn't thought anything by it as college is one of the places where I do live by my birth name (but not for much longer!).
Went to my aunties for tea after work as we still don't have a kitchen! Hate going out anywhere different for meals. Have to be in my own comfort zone. No idea why. I'm just in a routine I hate being messed up! As a result I had a lot of nervous rashes and red blotches as part of my anxiety attacks. Luckily I managed to get my food down me. Didn't think would be a problem as I was hungry! Still managed to creep up on me though. Tomorrow is my worst day at college as it is the only day I have 2 lessons. As I can't sit around for ages nor can I eat in college I walk home get my other folder then walk back. Good excerise but kind of pointless like. Anxiety has taken over my life in so many ways. Don't feel like I could give my most in life and live it as I should be. It has me trapped.
Summers coming :) I do actually feel for once quite excited about this. Although I know I won't be able to start living my life how I want to live it until I have top surgery. The idea of being topless in the summer is the best idea ever. Instead I'll be in t-shirts that make me all sweaty as I can't bare to wear vest tops or low cut tops. Putting the shorts back on shall be fun though. Haven't shaved my legs since back in October 2010!!! Mum doesn't know about this as when they started to grow back she kept on about shaving them. Ha she should see them now. Nice man legs :D. Nothing is going to make me shave them though. So beware in the summer. My hairy legs shall be out :D. Just wish I could get my top off too and be free but I guess that will have to wait a little longer. If I managed to get top surgery in the winter I will probably be topless during snowball fights just to experience the freedom of it all! Good times ahead.
I keep saying I shall have some quality time with my xbox but another week has passed and I haven't touched it. Knowing my luck I'll turn it on and have red ring of death :| brobro lent me COD:World at War last week and I still need to give that a bash! Too much bliming college work. Technically I should now be revising algebra as I can only do the basic equations and told my maths teacher I would do the exam on it a few weeks ago and just haven't got round to revising it at all. I hate maths. Blags my head and is just pointless and boring.
Dr Makala told me I should stop taking my doselupin on monday and just take the citalopram in the mornings. For some reason I can't bare to not take it at night. I don't want to risk having a complete relapse from not taking them. Need to build my confidence up before coming off them. Although I know that in the long run it will be the best thing to do. As I really don't want to be on tablets anymore as it is. It's not an addiction to them it's just a kind of comfort knowing that I have had them. Hopefully I will be able to build up the confidence to come off them soon.
When in the gym earlier that bloody Bruno Mars song came on again. I wasn't best pleased so rammed my earphones in my ears and tried to drown out the sound with Biffy Clyro. Didn't work as well as I had wanted it to as some dick had it on fullblast I swear.
Still not heard anything from Charing Cross but not really expecting to just yet as my referral only got sent off on the 24/2/11 but hopefully I will hear something over the next few weeks on that. Just want someone to clarify whether or not top surgery will be an option before I start uni. I'm pretty sure I won't be that lucky but I need someone to tell me for sure rather than people saying that they doubt it or saying that there is a chance I could have it for then. I know it doesn't happen that soon but September in my mind feels so far away - on the calendar ... not so far :/
Spose I better get revising algebra than jumping from random subjects to the next on this post lol.
:)
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