9/3/13

More of a rant than an update...

I am sick to death of people.
So never ever ever underestimate the difficulties in/of a trans persons life. I don't associate myself as trans, far from it, but for the sake of this post. What really really really pisses me off is that, do people seriously think a trans person would choose this life? Would someone purposely make themselves infertile, covered in scars and not only have the NHS to battle every day of their lives but also the whole world?! I mean, it's 2013 and gay people are only just being accepted so trans people have a long long way to go yet. So, for me, someone who just wants a quiet life, I aren't going to completely turn my life and my families lives upside down just for shits and giggles.

So why do people, think this is a want? I do not 'want' to be a man. I am a man. I always have been and always will and without the mentality of always being 'the better man', I sometimes don't know how I would cope.

I haven't cried in months until tonight... The worst part of it, it's my own frigging brother that's upset me. My own flesh and blood! We are two completely different people and I came to accept that years ago, we are bound to be. I grew up with mum and he grew up with dad. But that's no excuse to be an absolute ineffable twat/prick/dick! Right now, I could actually just turn my back on him and not be bothered, I wish people just took a few minutes to sit down and listen. Listen to how it was years ago before I made this life changing decision. Listen to how I felt, listen to how I now feel and listen to how it has turned my life around completely. Then make a judgement but before then, don't ever make a judgement on any ones life.

How I got to however old I was without doing anything about it, I don't know. All I know is I wish I had the guts to say something at the start of puberty, but then it was more down to understanding than guts.  I do sometimes think how I will feel in 10 years time, I will never get rid of the feelings of wishing I was born male, never. It haunts me everyday that this is my life and there is nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing.
An inadequate 5"5.5 short arsed scrawny 'male'.
Been so confident for so long, going swimming, Uni everyday without no one knowing, to now filling up wanting to just sleep and wake up like this is not real. Wake up reborn. Anything...