28/2/11 - The big day

The 28/2/11 finally arrives.
If I said I wasn't shitting my pants earlier I would of been lying.
My mum still hadn't said anything so I couldn't judge how today would be. She asked me what time my appointment was to double check and asked me what time I would be getting up.

8.15am and my alarm goes off.
Lying there in bed starting to wake up as a feeling of dread and angst ran through my body. Shit. It was monday morning. It was time to face the music with my mum. I was anxious before when I went to see Dr Makala, it was a new place, new people and I had no idea what was going to be said (but it went well and my anxiety didn't last before).

Mum shouts to make sure I'm up and tells me my uncle was here to do the kitchen so if I wanted breakfast I should go get it now. Did I want breakfast? Could I stomach it? Could I even stomach walking out of my room to face her? Answer to these questions was, not really no.
Was time to 'man up'. Afterall this was my decision, this was my future. So I decide it's time to get up and atleast get a spoonfull of cocopops down me.

Still half asleep I walk downstairs (completely zombiefied!!!) and had some cocopops. Uncle had the radio on loud and I just wanted silence to be honest but I walked in the front room and had my breakfast. As I woke up more and more the feel of dread got more and more. Ate my cocopops and went back upstairs. Now it was the question of what to wear. Before, I did put a lot of thought into it as I knew I'd be getting assesed on everything even down to my clothes. But today I had more things to worry about. Threw on my jeans, t and a hoody and got ready. Mum was wandering around being overly bubbly for a monday morning but I left her to it. Talk of the morning was the fire in Newcastle so even on the way to the hospital with going that way it carried on being the talk. Suited me fine lol.

As we arrive and park up, I led the way down to where we had to go. As we sat down I was back to thinking, will he shout me in as Rach or will he shout in me in Zach? Or will he just look at me and say follow me in.
10 minutes went by and he came out. 'Zach ________'. I could of died. I didn't dare look around at my mum, so I stood up fast and followed him into his room.
'So how are things for you since I last saw you Zach?' I saw my mums face drop, maybe she hadn't heard him call me Zach when he shouted us in? But this was the moment I knew tears were going to come. I asked her why she had given me such a look and she said that she hadn't realised I'd changed my name - I told her that I had she just never chose to ask what it had been changed to. I walked over to her and gave her a hug. We knew that it wasn't going to be easy. None of it was going to be easy. I was called Zach no less than twenty times and he used the male pronouns which I'm sure probably wasn't helping my mum but atleast she has now heard it from him. The chat with Dr Makala then was regarding how things were at home - which isn't very good (if you hadn't managed to work that part out lol). My mum said that she would meet me outside, it was all too much for her as I had expected. But then he explained things to my mum and did reassure her that people he knows that have been through this do have a good quality of life and he was 100% sure that I could handle the change. Although, all his reassuring words, more than likely didn't reassure my mum in the slightest. She did stay with me throughout the appointment though. Which I did appreciate as I could tell by the look in her eye that it was really tough for her. It was a short and sweet meeting with him, he basically just ran through the report and mentioned Charing Cross. Dr Makala said he could tell that both me and my mum loved each other and that we should sit down and talk things through. Give and take a little bit and give each other time and space. Which to be fair is what I do anyway. Don't want to ram things down her throat if she doesn't want to hear it.
I didn't really have any questions to ask him and neither did my mum.
He said that he wanted to see me again in a few weeks time and made me an appointment to go back on the 28/3/11 at 11am and mum said she would come with me again.

Mum still wasn't managing to pull herself together which kept upsetting me. I had to be strong though, for her and for myself. Plus didn't want to show any negative emotion infront of Dr Makala, didn't want my tears to doubt his decision even though he did say he understood.

After a good 5 minutes of mum trying to regain herself we left in silence. Walked back to her car, I held her hand tight.

She was going to take me the post office to get my car tax sorted and she ragged her car all the way there. Never seen her drive so violently!

Went and sorted that and came back home, she had a cuppa and went to work. Hopefully when I come in from work later on things won't kick off.

But on a happy note - my beady eye CD has arrived today :D s'all good. A week today I go see Liam Gallagher again :) and for my dinner I'm going to have 4 rounds of sausage sandwich as I am bloody starving!