Things not really looking up any at the moment. Chose not to attend the Sanctuary meeting tonight as I don't feel I have the energy or stability to talk to people I don't really know about the huge problems and difficulties in my life right now as I can't speak to the one person who was always meant to be there for me... My mum. How could I sit there and talk to anyone else if I can't her?
Been really quiet really past few days and few people have commented and asked me what's wrong. Answer to that I think is fairly obvious. Me and my brobro went for a wander in a forest yesterday, felt good to just be out in the open, fresh air and also the peace and quiet.
Can't bring myself to talk to my mum about ANYTHING right now and in her words 'it's like pulling teeth trying to have a conversation with you' whatever thats meant to mean... Don't want to talk. Not really a lot to say is there. Really don't want her to attend the next appointmention with Dr Makala, but I haven't quite made my mind up if it's best to stop her from coming or not yet. I do want her support but it's putting extra stresses onto me right now with her being involved whilst being so hot and cold with it all. Still not a word said since we went to see him. Keep thinking I should bring it up and I'll feel better to 'let off steam' with her but then I'd rather the peace than just to try and talk to her about it for the god knows how many timeth.
Spent the evening chilled out on a car park just gorming and thinking things through. I'm not sure where to go from here. So many things to think about yet what's the point in thinking about them? End of the day, top surgery would be the answer to everything right now.
Top surgery would =
- Not having to think twice about starting uni in September
- Not having to think twice about starting uni as Zach
- Not being worried about actually updating all my documents to Zach now I have deed poll corrected
- Knowing that I will 100% pass at all times. (99.9% pass now though but 0.1% would be cherry on top)
- A brilliant summer. Summer of freedom and yesness
- No anxieties
- No depression everytime I have a shower
- Not a lot of self hatred
- Not having to think twice about the clothes I buy because you won't be able to see a bra through the top and also couldn't be too low to hide my moobs!!!
- Would just be an end to a lot of worries and doubts right now
I'm really just wanting all this depression to go away now. I seem to of hit an all time low again. Trying to pick myself back up isn't really working either...
A few people have commented today on how I come across as being cocky and confident but I have all these walls built up around me that noone can get through them. I'm not willing to let anyone hurt me. But they know deep down I'm just a huge softie. It made me think of peoples perceptions of me. Made me realise how people can judge me and actually get it pretty much right sometimes. Made me wonder do they know what is really going on? Or do they just pretend to have an understanding of who I am? Who knows, but all I know is they are right when they say I have these huge walls. I can't seem to talk to anybody anymore about it all. Things are so deep I feel like it sounds pathetic when it's said outloud?
.... Maybe that is where me talking to myself on here may help lol
You're not talking to yourself! I read it. As I have said before I hope that everying gets rolling for you, and I am wishing for top surgery for you before starting uni. You were saying before about maybe deferring for a year, which is an option, but only make that decision when you have weighed up both sides it would mean another year to fully become Zach inside and out, but would it also mean another year with your mum? University is a wonderous place where people will accept you for you regardless of the top surgery or not. Ultimately it is your decision. Also never forget that 1 in 5 people suffer from dandruff, but 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives. You are not alone with your depression. It is a hideous thing to have I know from experience, but you are still growing a maturing as a person until you get to 25 not matter what your gender so your brain juices will be up and down anyway, things are just a little bit more muddly for you because or your transition. You know you have people around you who care and will listen even if you break down into tears sometimes (manly tears of course). Just keep at it mate, things will come out roses for you just don't lose hope and don't lose yourself in the blackness of the depression and the situation.
ReplyDelete:/ managed to bring a tear to my eye! Thank you so much. It would mean another year with my mum anyway. I'm not moving away for uni, or atleast I don't think I am. Going to be enough debt to take on as it is without having to worry about living costs aswell. The unis that I have applied to are all within a reachable driving distance. I have considered moving away but not made a decision yet. Not put it on my application to live in the halls so if I did move it would have to be in a shared house or something. Have to see what the future holds. Thanks again. Means so much it's untrue
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