28/11/12

Two days away from Charring Cross... And I really do not care.
I have come so far that I really can't be arsed with having to 'convince' someone this is what I want and who I am. I needed the service Charring Cross provides 2 years ago - not now. But still I need to 'get in the system' as Mum calls it. Don't get me wrong there's no other way sort out lower surgery but that's such a big operation, well 3 or 4 to be honest not just 1. I have focus on Uni so when will I have the time to recover from such operations? So anyway, appointments at 1.30 on Friday with someone whose name I can't write never mind pronounce lol. I have Uni on a Friday and also got offered a job interview for this Friday too, 2 things I'd rather be doing than talking to some doctor for an hour and a half about stuff that's not even relevant to me anymore.

I am really depressed again at the moment, had 2 anxiety attacks last Monday for no apparent reason, went to the doctors about them before they get any worse and interfere with my life again. All that came out of that was telling me it's probably related to seasonal changes so lack of sunlight and so on. I don't think it helps that I have no job so just sitting around for 5 days a week, sleeping through the day because there's nothing better to do!

Having too much time on my hands doesn't help my thoughts either. I keep thinking that once I've had hysterectomy that's it then, no chance of ever having my own kids. I mean, testosterone has probably already stopped that but there's no definite chance that it has. Hysto would make it 100% certain. I would never carry my own kid's as I have probably said before so that side of it never bothered me, but it's just the fact that the opportunity to freeze any eggs or whatever is gone. But then on the flip side I still know I'll be a better Dad than some out there regardless of DNA.
Apart from the hysterectomy thoughts, there's the bottom surgery thoughts. As said before (I think) I don't want the graft from my arm, my chest scars are on show enough without having to have any more visible scars! I really want it from the back of my thigh. I am just worried that they won't use that donor site for whatever reason. They prefer to use forearm if possible :/. Then there's sensation, what if after all of it I can't feel anything? Psychologically obviously it will be a million times better but then sometimes that's not enough.

On the other hand I may meet the surgeon and him be like 'yeah, thighs fine to use' etc etc and me be down about nothing! Just wish it was easy and I didn't have to go through all of this. Would of been so much easier to just of been born with the right brain or just as a boy! :(

Also worried that now the next focus is on bottom surgery that it will consist of embarrassing conversations with family! :| not ever day you talk about genitals!